In no particular order:
- You can’t get toilet paper as income, but you can get private company stock as income and get taxed by the IRS at 34%.
- You can pay less than a 35% premium for extra soft toilet paper, but calculating the preferred stock premium over common requires a PhD and ten venture capitalists to weigh in.
- You can wash off toilet paper, but if you hold common stock you can get washed out.
- You can get scented toilet paper, but the sniff test on common stock is harder.
- Toilet paper is liquid and you can sell it on eBay, but you can’t find accredited investors to purchase your private company stock there, and you’d probably be the laughing stock of the world if you tried.
More on the predictability of toilet paper, from the Seinfeld episode where George Castanza is relating the discussion he had on a date:
George: We discussed toilet paper.
Jerry: Toilet paper?
George: Yeah, I told her how toilet paper hasn’t changed in my lifetime, and probably wouldn’t change in the next fifty thousand years and she was fascinated, fascinated!
Jerry: What are you talking about?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Toilet paper’s changed.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: It’s softer.
Elaine: Softer.
Jerry: More sheets per roll
Elaine: Sheets.
Jerry: Comes in a wide variety of colors.
Elaine: Colors.
George: Ok, ok, fine! It’s changed, it’s not really the point. Anyway, I’m thinking of making a big move.